There Are No Walls in the House of Jearl - Mystery DVD #141

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October 5th, 2008
01:38 pm

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Mystery DVD #141
The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior
One again I have been crippled with Unreviewable DVD Syndrome. This time it was pure ennui that laid me out. I didn't want to think of words to express my feelings, so I had a plan to just post a photograph of a bowl of oatmeal and maybe a salt shaker labeled 'Rage.' But then I would have either had to steal a photo of oatmeal, or clean my kitchen so the photo wouldn't have a spotty banana and a pile of dirty glasses for a backdrop, and I'm not a good photographer anyway. So words it is. Anyway all I mean is that it's really bland and lame, and sort of lumpy, but not made of poison.
I didn't see the first Scorpion King, but I don't think this really had a thing to do with it. This Akkadian kid named Mathayus is the son of a great mercenary warrior, so he joins the same order, the Black Scorpions. During his tryout he somehow mortally offends General Sargon (Ultimate Fighting champ Randy Couture), who is a Scorpion himself. Unable for plot reasons to take out his pique on the actual source, Sargon uses sorcery to kill Mathayus' father. Mathayus gets accepted as a Black Scorpion, and returns from his training to discover that Sargon is now king of Akkad. Sargon, in the manner of crazy evil kings throughout history, assigns Mathayus to his personal bodyguard. Mathayus refuses to execute his brother for talking smack about Sargon's despotic rule, and like that he is on the run to find a magical weapon and foment revolution. A plucky female sidekick and a Greek poet/con artist join him. I am not going back and learning their names. The writers name drop historical and mythical references in no sensible order just to keep the alert viewer wracked with confusion and disgust. Anyway they go to Greece and blunder into trouble, pick up a company of Illyrians and a Chinese acrobat, fight the Minotaur, go to the land of the dead, piss of the goddess Astarte, get the magic sword, and oh my god this thing is nowhere near over yet.
Back in Akkad, Astarte wants to punish the insolent mortals so she gives Sargon more sorcerous power. He tries to sacrifice a stadium full of Akkadians, I guess as a thank you gift, I dunno. This scene exists to let the acrobat and the sidekick run around on peoples' heads for a bit, and was actually a little bit awesome. So anyway Mathyas and the Greek poet fight Sargon, who turns into millions of scorpions, but magic sword, blah blah, somehow he wins in a confusing burst of CGI and the power of heart. Huzzah.

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From:[info]boylawyer
Date:October 6th, 2008 02:20 pm (UTC)
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Dear holy lord that sounds awful.

Just reading the review, all I could think of was "...and Mohat begat Ezekiel, and Ezekial begat Yohan and Mapeth, and Mapeth, son of Ezekiel, begat Jopeth..." Ugh.
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From:[info]jearl
Date:October 6th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
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yeah, rereading this now, I'm wondering, "why did I write all that? Maybe I could have just drawn the oatmeal."
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From:[info]bombasticus
Date:October 7th, 2008 12:26 am (UTC)

blundering into trouble in ancient greece

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It sounds like this one could've benefited from:

A. Amazon lesbian subtext.
B. Aaliyah's hips don't lie -- they KILL.
C. All of the above.
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From:[info]jearl
Date:October 7th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)

Re: blundering into trouble in ancient greece

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YES thanks for reminding me of Film's Most Menacing Bellydance.

Also I want a salt shaker labeled Amazon Lesbian Subtext. It would enhance the flavors of many things.
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